Dying While Still Alive

I know that this is a bizarre title to my questions and/or my story, but none the less it’s a real experience that I had and I am still recovering from the experience.  I felt all of the effects of dying, such as loosing my idenity, my material objects, my physical body went into weakness of bodily limbs, my thot process was all distorted and thots of fear of not knowing what I was feeling or going through brought me down to tears of grief topped with lots of anxiety!  I would go into meditation to connect and I felt disconnected from my Source.  To me, I was DYING while I was alive !  I felt like i was all alone in a darkness within that seemed that no light could brighten.  I became ill to the point of feeling my body go through my spinal column and my whole back aching and like a configuration was taking place that was unexplainable..  I would lie numb in bed every morning to the point where I did not want to get out bed.  Some would call this “depression” but, I was not depressed, just confused..My sense of well-being was way off..I could not balance it..As I would force myself to get out of bed to try to eat, there was no hunger pangs.. I would force myself to go outside and walk…only to find that my walking was mixed with waves of dizziness…This experience brought on Fear, fear that my body was experiencing a shock of some sorts.  So back to bed I would go to lay down and ponder all of this…why why why..this is all I could ask …this routine lasted day in and day out.. I went to several doctors to see if they could find out what it was that I was experiencing..there were cat scans and blood work done…only to have them come back with a clean bill of health..My doctor reviewing my bloodwork and telling me that everything is inline and with these results, you look like you will live into your 90s.. WELL, this was now a mind boggling delima..what is it ? Can anybody out there hear me?  I would meditate daily, just hoping that I could hear the voice within.  Until one evening while sleeping a voice approached my left ear and yelled, WALK !  I woke up from a deep sleep and sat there comtemplating what it was that I was being told.  Finally, some sort of contact was being made !  In comes the voice and relays to me my meaning of all that I was going through.

Voice:  First of all, I so deeply apologize for allowing you to experience all this my dear soul, but with one of your calliber who came here to experience life in the physical, you chose to walk this path of ALL emotions.  You have spent many life times mastering different life scenarios and I know that this one was one that you asked to be brought down to.. ground ZERO.  This darkness that you felt within and the dissconnect from Source was a feeling that you wanted to feel…  I am sure you want to know “why” would you want this experience..well, my dear one you wanted to know what it would feel like to be in this position.  Now you know that you are the plug and Source is your socket…when you plug into Source, you become whole again.  Your Ego Self would tell you that YOU are in control and to some degree you found this to be False.  You started to realize that you as a human being are really a spiritual being..  To understand this you needed to go through all that you did in order to find out the TRUTH of your existence.  You, my dear one by nature are a Joyful person and this is a memory that you DID hold onto and this is what pulled you through…you went on your walks with your walking stick and I heard you coach yourself through the anxiety you were having with the distortion in your walking .  I heard and felt every tear that you shed and I felt your determination to get through it ALL.  To this day, you still work on your recovery.  I see you starting to take great joy in the small gifts that life has to offer..the beautiful Sun, the water that you surround yourself with daily, your family members became important to you.  You realized that these small gifts are not small at all, they are HUGE…You learned that all the material objects were not as important to your well being, but the love that you give and share with those that surround you.  You started to take on “gratitude” for all your body parts  (internal and external) and the gift that they each provide for your existence.  All I can say to you is “THANK YOU” for allowing yourself to go through all that you did, the dying in all aspects both internally/externally .  This dying while alive was necessary for you to go through in order to have a greater understanding of what matters to you today…It’s not what you are, it’s WHO you are.  YOU are by far a magnificant being and when you allow your Joy, your Love and your Laughter to encompass you, you light up the UNIVERSE !!!

Again, great thanks my dear soul for your persistence to experience the not so peachy side of lessons and to gather knowledge to share with YOU and others !

With a twinkle in my eyes and love in my heart, the voice 🙂